Today was difficult. I had a hard time holding on to myself, the person floating inside me. Today was hard because I had a hard time cleaning up the mess my ragged insides were producing. All 2000+ salty, useless tears..they were everywhere. My cheeks, my lips, my hands, my pillow..you couldn't feel them though, unless you were me. I try to find distractions to keep myself from feeling the obvious heartache, but nothing works. I read, listen to music, write until my hand cramps, paint, read, listen to music, watch TV, read, write..but nothing works. Everything always has something that causes my mind to produce the image of someone's face that I've come to know fairly well these past 7 or 8 months. I wish someone would come and take this all away. Just rip the sentiment out of my heart, burn this caring part of me that so dearly wishes and dreams that things will be different. I need a real distraction from this unrelentless pain. I need an antidote from this fucking disease coarsing through my veins and into my heart.
I need someone who cares.
I can't remember the last time I wore pretty lace. I can't remember the last time someone wasn't afraid to hold my hand. I can't remember the last time someone called me beautiful when I wasn't trying to be, and actually mean it. I can't remember the last time someone cared about my dreams, my opinions, my thoughts..or just me in general. And I mean truly care, have a feeling so vast and profound that they cared enough to never wish pain or anytime of foul play upon my soul. I can't remember the last time I got a phone call at 1 in the morning to tell me they missed me, that they were thinking of me. I can't remember the last time I got flowers. I can't remember the last time someone called me at 6 in the morning before school, just to tell me that they were so happy I am in their life. I can't remember the last time someone did something genuinely nice for me, without me even having to ask. I can't remember the last time someone cared enough to ask me how I was doing, and know better than believe I was telling the truth when I said "I'm okay." I can't remember the last time I was actually saying those words and I meant them. I can't remember the last time someone held my hand and wiped away my tears and whispered to me that everything will be alright. I can't remember the last time I cried because of happiness, love, excitment. I can't remember the last time I didn't have to think about all the things no one has ever done for me in a long time...
....But I do remember the last time I cried about feeling alone. I remember the last time I reached out for someone and felt nobody actually there. I remember the last time I was trying to pour my soul out to someone, anyone...and there was no one there to listen. I remember the last time someone made me feel stupid because I didn't necessarily understand somethng, or because I don't know all the things they do. I remember the last time someone made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I remember the last time someone made me feel like shit. I remember the last time I felt a pang of pain when I realized that not everyone is who they say they are. Not everyone will always care. And that I can waste as many tears on someone as my little heart desires, but it's not gonna change the person they are. It's not gonna make all the feelings go away, or make the pain disappear.
You know, a woman has amazing strenghts. She can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens, she smiles when she feels like screaming. She sings when she feels like crying. She cries when shes happy and laughs when she's afraid. Her love is unconditional. There's only one thing that is truly wrong with her.
She forgets what she's worth.
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