Leonidas, My Ruler...My Lover...

The day I want to be left all alone, for once, is the day everyone wants to be around me. My mother, aunt, brother, friend, lover..clinging to me. I want to scream, scare them away, but my lungs are too weak for that. My lungs have never been strong enough anyways. It goes much deeper than physical deformiy, my lungs never had the will to voice much emotion unless completely necessary.

It's been 4 days, and my headache still throbs within my soul. I feel it, laughing beneath my skin, seeping into my blood, this pain becoming one with me. 4 days, and I'm done complaining. If something happens to me, I hope my mother finds me. Broken, just like she makes me feel. I don't believe she realizes this, but pain is never noticeable unless the person causing it looks close enough. She never did. Always overlooking the necessary, burrowing her face too close to the obvious. LOOK BEYOND MOTHER. Look past these green eyes. Can't you see?

My lover is on my mind tonight. This, unrequited lover. We shall call this lover Leonidas, the ruler, for personal reasons. I hate myself for falling for Leonidas. I hate the way I wait for my lover's text message, phone call, anything that is a reassurance that maybe for once, my lover thought of me. Missed me. I hate the way I have engraved the image of my lover's right dimple into my mind, how I have mesmorized every crease Leonidas makes everytime a smile appears, cheeks engulfed in a bright red, even when my lover is hot, my lover's cheeks glow a cherry red, vibrant, full of life. I hate the way I know where Leonidas likes to shop, what my lover does on sundays, I hate the way my lover says hello, and even worse when my lover says goodbye. I hate the way my lover looks at me, dark, piercing eyes, sparkling under the sun's warmth, how the butterflies imprsoned in my ribcage go crazy when my lover rests those eyes upon my face, my body..I hate those soft lips, how wonderful they taste, how dangerous they are..I hate the way my lovers arms feel around me, feeling so safe, but knowing those are not my lovers intentions, to protect me. I hate the way Leonidas seem to always be right, and yet always get it wrong at the same time. I hate the way my lover pushes me away, and I cry myself to sleep, because my lover doesn't know I'm here to keep. I hate that I am just a friend, someone my lover loves only at night, when the stars are bright, and passions are fierce. I hate that I have happy dreams about Leonidas, only to wish I was back in deep sleep when I awoke, because reality was too harsh for me, too cruel. I hate the way that I can't ever hate my lover, never have, and most probably, never will.

"When you look in her eyes and she's looking back in yours...everything feels not quite normal. Because you feel stronger and weaker at the same time. You feel excited and at the same time, terrified. The truth is, you don't know what kind of man you want to be. It's as if you've reached the unreachable and you weren't ready for it."

-Spider-Man (2001)

For you Leonidas...