You lock me behind locked doors and bedsheets..

You want to know what is my issue before it hits the stands

BUT

I could never tell you cus you'd use it as ammunition to tie my hands -

- after all we've bled through

So instead I hate you 

Or at least just pretend to...

I taste you in my dreams.

Today was difficult. I had a hard time holding on to myself, the person floating inside me. Today was hard because I had a hard time cleaning up the mess my ragged insides were producing. All 2000+ salty, useless tears..they were everywhere. My cheeks, my lips, my hands, my pillow..you couldn't feel them though, unless you were me. I try to find distractions to keep myself from feeling the obvious heartache, but nothing works. I read, listen to music, write until my hand cramps, paint, read, listen to music, watch TV, read, write..but nothing works. Everything always has something that causes my mind to produce the image of someone's face that I've come to know fairly well these past 7 or 8 months. I wish someone would come and take this all away. Just rip the sentiment out of my heart, burn this caring part of me that so dearly wishes and dreams that things will be different. I need a real distraction from this unrelentless pain. I need an antidote from this fucking disease coarsing through my veins and into my heart.

I need someone who cares.

I can't remember the last time I wore pretty lace. I can't remember the last time someone wasn't afraid to hold my hand. I can't remember the last time someone called me beautiful when I wasn't trying to be, and actually mean it. I can't remember the last time someone cared about my dreams, my opinions, my thoughts..or just me in general. And I mean truly care, have a feeling so vast and profound that they cared enough to never wish pain or anytime of foul play upon my soul. I can't remember the last time I got a phone call at 1 in the morning to tell me they missed me, that they were thinking of me. I can't remember the last time I got flowers. I can't remember the last time someone called me at 6 in the morning before school, just to tell me that they were so happy I am in their life. I can't remember the last time someone did something genuinely nice for me, without me even having to ask. I can't remember the last time someone cared enough to ask me how I was doing, and know better than believe I was telling the truth when I said "I'm okay." I can't remember the last time I was actually saying those words and I meant them. I can't remember the last time someone held my hand and wiped away my tears and whispered to me that everything will be alright. I can't remember the last time I cried because of happiness, love, excitment. I can't remember the last time I didn't have to think about all the things no one has ever done for me in a long time...

....But I do remember the last time I cried about feeling alone. I remember the last time I reached out for someone and felt nobody actually there. I remember the last time I was trying to pour my soul out to someone, anyone...and there was no one there to listen. I remember the last time someone made me feel stupid because I didn't necessarily understand somethng, or because I don't know all the things they do. I remember the last time someone made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I remember the last time someone made me feel like shit. I remember the last time I felt a pang of pain when I realized that not everyone is who they say they are. Not everyone will always care. And that I can waste as many tears on someone as my little heart desires, but it's not gonna change the person they are. It's not gonna make all the feelings go away, or make the pain disappear.

You know, a woman has amazing strenghts. She can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens, she smiles when she feels like screaming. She sings when she feels like crying. She cries when shes happy and laughs when she's afraid. Her love is unconditional. There's only one thing that is truly wrong with her.

She forgets what she's worth.

Fuck. It's 11:11 again.

I wish Leonidas would write me a letter.

It doesn't have to be a love letter, becuase I know Leonidas does not love me.

Just a letter.

With words.

Sentences.

Smiley Faces.

Exclamation points.

Expressions.

FEELINGS.

I just really wish I knew what was going through my lover's mind sometimes.
That's all.

Wtf..

I CHOKE

ON MY WORDS

WHEN YOU ASK FOR

PERFECTION.

Jonathon.

I can't think straight tonight. My mind has gone to chaos. I cannot even name the emotions going through my mind right now. There are too many, they are all intertwining.

This FUCKING LETTER is going to be the end of me.

These words thrown about this piece of prison-stained paper is going to be the reason why I will be emotionally unstable.

I have to fight it. I have to breathe.

BREATHE.

You will not win.

You won't fucking win.

I'll be damned if you do.

FORGIVE YOU?

Forgive someone that is all of who I am.. 

Everything I held back for so many years is rushing back to me

And I'm forgetting how to breathe again..

I need someone..

Anyone.

God you make me so fucking desperate. Do you realize that?

Do you realize how much of me you control?

I hate you so much that I don't even remember how to hate properly anymore.

Do I pity you, despise you, forget you, forgive you...

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

Excerpts from the Journal.

Life isn't that simple. You can't just wish something and POOF, there it is. No matter how many 11:11's you wish on or shooting stars, it doesn't matter. Life isn't that fair. I've spent too many nights anticipating for 11:11's to come, just to make a wish that will never come true.

Promise me, that's all I want. Just a promise that you will never forget me. Tell me I changed you somehow. Let me know that I had an impact on your life. Promise me that you'll always remember me. Losing you will be hard enough, but I don't want to go on knowing that I possibly meant absolutely nothing to you.

All we have is how you'll remember me and I need that memory to be strong & beautiful. If I know that I'm remembered that way, then I can face anything.

REMEMBER ME.

Leonidas, My Ruler...My Lover...

The day I want to be left all alone, for once, is the day everyone wants to be around me. My mother, aunt, brother, friend, lover..clinging to me. I want to scream, scare them away, but my lungs are too weak for that. My lungs have never been strong enough anyways. It goes much deeper than physical deformiy, my lungs never had the will to voice much emotion unless completely necessary.

It's been 4 days, and my headache still throbs within my soul. I feel it, laughing beneath my skin, seeping into my blood, this pain becoming one with me. 4 days, and I'm done complaining. If something happens to me, I hope my mother finds me. Broken, just like she makes me feel. I don't believe she realizes this, but pain is never noticeable unless the person causing it looks close enough. She never did. Always overlooking the necessary, burrowing her face too close to the obvious. LOOK BEYOND MOTHER. Look past these green eyes. Can't you see?

My lover is on my mind tonight. This, unrequited lover. We shall call this lover Leonidas, the ruler, for personal reasons. I hate myself for falling for Leonidas. I hate the way I wait for my lover's text message, phone call, anything that is a reassurance that maybe for once, my lover thought of me. Missed me. I hate the way I have engraved the image of my lover's right dimple into my mind, how I have mesmorized every crease Leonidas makes everytime a smile appears, cheeks engulfed in a bright red, even when my lover is hot, my lover's cheeks glow a cherry red, vibrant, full of life. I hate the way I know where Leonidas likes to shop, what my lover does on sundays, I hate the way my lover says hello, and even worse when my lover says goodbye. I hate the way my lover looks at me, dark, piercing eyes, sparkling under the sun's warmth, how the butterflies imprsoned in my ribcage go crazy when my lover rests those eyes upon my face, my body..I hate those soft lips, how wonderful they taste, how dangerous they are..I hate the way my lovers arms feel around me, feeling so safe, but knowing those are not my lovers intentions, to protect me. I hate the way Leonidas seem to always be right, and yet always get it wrong at the same time. I hate the way my lover pushes me away, and I cry myself to sleep, because my lover doesn't know I'm here to keep. I hate that I am just a friend, someone my lover loves only at night, when the stars are bright, and passions are fierce. I hate that I have happy dreams about Leonidas, only to wish I was back in deep sleep when I awoke, because reality was too harsh for me, too cruel. I hate the way that I can't ever hate my lover, never have, and most probably, never will.

"When you look in her eyes and she's looking back in yours...everything feels not quite normal. Because you feel stronger and weaker at the same time. You feel excited and at the same time, terrified. The truth is, you don't know what kind of man you want to be. It's as if you've reached the unreachable and you weren't ready for it."

-Spider-Man (2001)

For you Leonidas...  

You will never find me.

Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts

Realities tattooed to the inside of my skull, highlighting my dreams

Word bubbling to the surface

Their heat pulsating, dancing under my tongue

Sometimes I can't control these feverous bursts

Words exploding through my pores

Spilling over my lips

All over my chest

Running down my skin

Passing in between my thighs

Sliding down calves

Words getting lost in my curves

So I forever keep these emotions stained on my skin

There are words all over the floor, the walls, the chair, table top, the bed, staining silk sheets

There aren't enough seconds in a day to explain

To clean up this mess

There aren't enough seconds to say all I need to say

So these weighted words stay brick-heavy, glued to the surfaces

You trip over them

Fall, broken, bloody & bruised

I wish I could help you, heal you

But I'm becoming one with this mess
Soon enough I'll be fragments of my thoughts

Scattered all over these surfaces

Hidden inside their cracks

You will never find me.

Dancing under the moonlight

Waves crashing along the shoreline

The sand, rough under my toes

A part of me rips away and gets lost in this relentless wind

A part of me drowns in the water

A part of me disinigrates under the stars' burning eyes

You left me here to die

I offered you my love

You injected me with suffering

I offered you courage

You poisioned me with fear

I offered you my thoughts

You presented me with silence

I offered you a new beginning

You showed me the last page

My destiny includes you

But you have stained me with rejection

With neglect
You've pushed me to the edge

And I'm ready to jump

Falling carelessly through the wistful air

This unforgiving stain remains permanent on my skin

These marks made by love-making

Only there was never really any love

We were just making

Making what?

A memory for you to eventually extract

For you to lose

Did we ever gain anything?

I gained the knowledge of never knowing what affection really is

There were different positions, different passions riveting through my body

Yet my mind is disconnected from the flesh

Emotionless

Craving what you fail to create

My heart tries to be apathetic

But the pieces of the picture we are creating are everywhere

And I'm getting lost among the fragments of my imagination

Feelings are awakened

Of lost hope, of pain no medicine can cure

Pain can't ever be cured and that's my problem, isn't it?

Tell me what you think

You whisper, "there is nothing to fear"

But then you let go of my hand

And leave me with savages

Abandoned

Nothing to fear

All I've ever feared was not having anything to lose

So I guess you're right

There really is nothing to fear

I am tired of waiting for you

I will stay sheltered

You stay a malignant force

But you will harm me no more.